Insecurity can creep into even the most beautiful and loving relationships. But when it crosses a limit, it gets suffocating. Ironically, it’s not as if your man does not love you. On the contrary, he may love you more than you love him. But an insecure, jealous husband can harbor a lot of negative emotions. As a result, your relationship may become very toxic, leading to an insecure husband ruining your marriage. “Why is my husband so insecure and jealous?” “How to deal with an insecure partner?” “My husband is insecure. Will his insecurities cost us our marriage?” Questions like these can become a defining feature of your marriage when you’re dealing with an insecure spouse. The situation can seem bleak but not all hope is lost. We’re here to help you with the right approach to dealing with an insecure partner, but before that let’s take a look at some common insecure husband symptoms so you can understand his behavior patterns better, with insights from psychologist Juhi Pandey Mishra (M.A Psychology), who specializes in dating, premarital and breakup counseling.
What Are Signs Of Insecurity In A Man?
While insecurity can be one of the reasons for abusive behavior in a relationship, an insecure husband may not be overtly violent or negative, at least not initially. However, if left unchecked insecure husband behavior can spiral out of control with time. The question then is, how do you decide when the characteristics of an insecure husband need to be taken seriously? Juhi says, “While it is not uncommon to see insecurity in men and women to a certain degree, it is a cause for concern when insecure behavior begins to threaten the very foundation of a relationship. This happens when your insecurities start governing your partner’s every action, their own thoughts triggering panic and resulting in reactions that are disproportionate to the situation at hand.” But before things get to this point, subtle signs of insecure husband behavior are noticeable, if you pay attention. You need to watch out for and nip it in the bud if you don’t want an insecure husband ruining a marriage. Be on alert if…
1. He questions you too much
One of the most significant traits of an insecure husband is his tendency to question everything you do. One question might lead to another as he never really seems satisfied with any explanation. Anna, now separated from her husband, admits that this pattern was always apparent in his behavior but she never paid heed to it until things began to get out of hand. Since the time they were dating, her now ex-husband, Jonathan, would ask her too many questions about her day, where she went, who she met and so on. Later, in their marriage, it led to a host of trust issues and him constantly suspecting her of cheating, tearing them apart. By the time the insecure husband ruining marriage realization dawned on her, the damage had already been done and they couldn’t make their relationship work.
2. He will discourage you
An insecure husband would rarely encourage you to step out of your comfort zone or try and achieve anything higher. And god forbid if you end up doing better than him in your career like get a promotion or a pay hike! If instead of being proud of your achievements, he tries to put you down, there is little doubt that you’re dealing with an insecure husband. His latent insecurities also fan his jealousy, and that’s why he may not be able to find it in him to be happy for you. Certainly, “my husband is insecure about my achievements” is not a pleasant realization to come face to face with. The more apparent it becomes that your spouse is incapable of rooting for you, the harder it will be for you to give your 100% to the relationship. Eventually, this can become the undoing of your bond.
3. He constantly needs reassurance from you
When you live with an insecure husband, expect him to palm off his lack of confidence onto you. He will hesitate to leave you alone; not of concern but more out of the fear that you may leave him. He’d need you to constantly reassure him that you love him, are there for him and wouldn’t leave him no matter what. Personal space in the relationship becomes an alien concept when your spouse is insecure. You may be left wondering, ‘Why is my husband so insecure? What am I doing wrong? How can I assure him that I’m not going anywhere? Relationship insecurity can make your bond stifling rather than the wholesome connection it is supposed to be.
4. He will control you
A needy insecure husband will always try to control you in some way or the other. He will want to know who you meet, where you spend your time, what you are doing, and so on. You’d invariably find yourself dealing with a controlling husband who finds solace in keeping tabs on your every move. If he feels insecure about your actions, he may try to make you feel the same way too. When your husband makes you feel insecure, it’s a classic sign that he is projecting his own insecurities onto you.
5. He will not respect your privacy
However close you are, there are certain boundaries even in an intimate relationship. But an insecure husband doesn’t believe in niceties like not looking through your mobile, not stalking you on social media or not going through your private things. Since a part of him is always riddled with the fear that you’re going to leave him, hurt him, disappoint him, he cannot fight off the urge to keep tabs on every single aspect of your life. Needless to say, all hell breaks loose if he actually discovers that you have been keeping something from him, no matter how small or inconsequential. A better part of your time and energy will go into figuring out how to set boundaries with an insecure husband but with little success. Any attempt on your part to draw a line in the sand and ask for personal space will be met with resistance in the form of fights, arguments, and accusations.
How To Support Your Insecure Husband?
“Why is my husband so insecure?” This thought may be driving you up the wall, but you love him nonetheless and don’t want to lose what you have with him just on account of insecure husband behavior. So, what do you do then? Well, maybe a shift in perspective can help you and your marriage. Instead of losing your peace of mind over, “Why is my husband so insecure and jealous?”, try focusing on figuring out how to help an insecure partner. By support, we mean, helping him overcome feelings of insecurity and not feeding his unhealthy behavior patterns. Here are some solid ways to support your insecure husband:
1. Notice the patterns of his behavior
When you live with an insecure husband, make an effort to notice his patterns or his triggers. What kind of incidents bring out insecurity? Some husbands get insecure when they see their wives with other men. It is also not uncommon to see a husband insecure about his wife being more successful than him. While others may have issues with aspects like finances or parenting. You have to identify the causes of his insecurity as well as the common triggers. What exactly triggers your husband and are the reasons the same every single time? Once you figure out the pattern, you can get a far better understanding of his mind and what impacts him which will help you seek solutions. “He may be reacting to something you’ve done or said, but know that triggers and reasons for insecurity always lie within the person. The external factors merely bring them to the fore, and so if you want to have any hope of helping me overcome his insecurities, you need to get to these underlying causes,” says Juhi.
2. Help him channel his anxieties to something productive
Insecurity, anxiety, jealousy, and depression all lie at varied points of the spectrum of a negative relationship. If you want to help your insecure husband, maybe you can try to bring some positivity into his outlook toward life. Take the lead in encouraging him to channel his energies into something productive. Work out together. Try and plan more travels and other fun activities. Regular exercises also help reduce depression so these small steps can make a change in his personality over a period of time. Investing in self-care can be a great way to combat insecurities since any positive change in your lifestyle makes you feel good about yourself. If you want to help your angry, insecure husband, help him become a better version of himself.
3. Seek a counselor’s help
If his insecurity is harming your relationship, it is time to take action, especially when you do not want to give up on him. You may want to salvage your marriage, but at the same time, you may not possess the necessary skill for dealing with an insecure partner without letting it cause harm to your relationship or your mental health.
In that case, it’s best to encourage him to seek a counselor’s help if he has deep-rooted insecurities. Needless to say, this will require him to accept that he has issues that need to be worked upon. Seeking couple’s therapy or relationship counseling can help weed out the cause of the problems and build a new foundation for a secure relationship. If you’re looking for help, licensed and skilled therapists on Bonobology’s panel are here for you.
That’s the healthiest way to prevent an insecure husband from ruining a marriage. But do not try and fix his problems on your own if it is causing you a lot of stress and affecting the marriage. Both, you and your husband should want to make the marriage work.
How To Deal With An Insecure Husband And Help Him?
Every instance of insecurity need not lead to the divorce courts. Not all insecure husband symptoms indicate that your relationship is doomed to fail. When you have an insecure partner, what matters is the degree and magnitude. In fact, it’s often a long road before you reach the insecure husband ruining marriage dead-end. The best way of dealing with an insecure partner is not to let the situation escalate to a point where his insecurities turn toxic and begin to harm you.
As long as your relationship with your insecure spouse hasn’t turned toxic or abusive, it can be tackled with a bit of tact and understanding. Of course, it is not easy to live with an insecure husband but if you truly love him there are ways and means to help him – IF you think it is worth it. So,
1. Look at your own behavior
The journey of dealing with an insecure partner effectively begins with some introspection. Take a step back and analyze your own attitude. You need to assess whether you’re contributing to the insecure husband symptoms, consciously or subconsciously. Are you, by your statements and demeanor, adding to his negative feelings? Does he feel inferior when he’s around you? Do you tend to dominate and dictate terms? Sometimes small incidents, statements and gestures, which you might not consider important, can affect his self-esteem and augment the latent characteristics of an insecure husband. There is no harm in correcting oneself if it leads to strengthening your own marriage. Keep in mind your insecure man might have low self-esteem and you need to address it.
2. Recognize your insecure husband’s problems
There are different types of insecurities in a relationship and they impact a couple’s connection in different ways. Before jumping to accuse him of being an insecure spouse, try and look at the source of his insecurities. Has he had bad relationships in the past? Has he suffered from childhood problems like having toxic parents that are manifesting themselves in insecure behavior? Or are these minor ego issues? “Insecurity is almost always tied to traumatic experiences of the past, often the ones related to a person’s childhood. If he has grown up feeling unloved or ignored by his parents or primary caregivers, or if he has been cheated on by a past partner, this emotional baggage will inevitably lead to insecure behavior. That’s why it needs to be dealt with sooner rather than later,” says Juhi. If you know the source of his issues – whether they are minor or major – working on them becomes a lot easier. Perhaps you can even work on them together, seeking professional help.
3. Support him during tough times
If you’re wondering how to help an insecure partner, know that your support and compassion can be your biggest allies in this battle against his latent insecurities. Some people need a little motivation and encouragement from their partner. A few words of support, especially when they are down, can help them calm down and assuage their fears in a big way. With the economy being the way it is, financial and career stresses are common. At such a time, try to be the pillar of support to your man. If you look down on him or criticize him too much, it might lead to a lot of insecurity. One way to get your angry, insecure husband to rein in his unpleasant personality traits is by being his pillar of strength and support. It can feel overwhelming in the beginning, but as he begins to show signs of improvement, you’d know that it has been worth the effort.
4. Compliment him genuinely
We all love being validated by society but what matters most, especially for a family person, is validation from his spouse. Show that you genuinely care for his achievements. Learn to compliment him generously and authentically. This is not to feed his ego but to help him get over any self-doubt. Monica, an investment banker, found herself at her wit’s end over the dire straits her marriage was in. “My husband is insecure and I don’t think he can handle my professional success. I think his insecurities will be the undoing of our marriage,” she confided in her sister. Her sister responded, “It can become the undoing of your marriage only if you let it. Have you ever considered that perhaps you could be feeding his insecurities in some way or the other, even if unknowingly? “If you want your marriage to work, you need to show him that despite all your success, he is the man you want to share your life with. It will work wonders for his sense of self-worth.” And Monica’s sister couldn’t have been more correct. Lack of confidence is one of the biggest traits of an insecure husband so you can definitely help him if he needs some boosting of morale. We could all do with it, right?
5. Do NOT feed his insecurity
Here’s the thing. While you can go the extra mile reassuring an insecure husband, you also need to draw the line. “I can help my insecure husband if I support him unconditionally,” is a thought many women have. However, support and love do not mean that you put up with every tantrum. If you are available at his beck and call, if you constantly sacrifice your needs to serve him, and if you find yourself hiding details because you don’t want to upset him, you are not helping him. You are only reinforcing his behavior! That is why it’s crucial to know how to set boundaries with an insecure husband so that you don’t end up encouraging his problematic behavior patterns. When your husband makes you feel insecure just to feel better about himself, demeans you in any way, or accuses you of things mindlessly, stand up for yourself and tell him in no uncertain terms that it is not okay. Once you have done that, take a step back and refuse to engage in any conversation that reflects his insecure behavior patterns.
6. Let him take the blame as well
The key to dealing with an insecure husband’s behavior is to identify and shut it down in the beginning before things get out of hand. If you haven’t cheated or lied to him or misled him in any way, don’t feel guilty. So say, if he doesn’t like you staying out late at night or being too close with your male colleagues, let him know early on that you know how to handle yourself and a situation. Make him see his judgmental behavior patterns so that he can correct himself too. When he projects his insecurities onto you, don’t absorb or internalize them. At the same time, don’t be apologetic about doing something that you know is the right thing to do. Even if it means dealing with a temper tantrum from your insecure spouse. Knowing how to set boundaries with an insecure husband is the best way to deal with this situation you find yourself in. We cannot emphasize it enough.
7. Be your authentic self
A lot of women try to dim their own light to shine the spotlight on their partners, but in the process, they also end up making themselves miserable. So if you loved a holiday with your gal pals but your insecure husband frowned upon it, don’t stop traveling. Or if you love seeing yourself in a particular dress, don’t hide it at the back of your closet just because your insecure spouse disapproves of it. Of course, every marriage requires some sacrifice and adjustments but when it comes to your self-respect, there should be no compromise. Do not make it an act of rebellion but do what you have always loved doing. Sometimes, when you continue being your genuine authentic self, he will be forced to retract.
8. Be more communicative with your insecure husband
One of the big traits of an insecure husband is that he is quick to jump to conclusions or make assumptions. For example, if he has spotted you with a man, instead of clearing it out directly, he might let his imagination run riot and assume that you’re cheating on him. It is clear that he has trust issues and is projecting his fundamental fears onto you.
So it’s best to keep a very straightforward communication channel with him from the beginning. Keep no secrets from him; be upfront about your actions. How he takes it is up to him. Overcoming communication problems becomes all the more imperative in such relationships to ward off the risk of an insecure husband ruining a marriage.
9. Don’t make light of it
Even if you are convinced that your husband’s insecurities stem from minor issues, do not try to make light of it. Just the way you shouldn’t let every instance of insecure behavior turn into an argument, you need to make a conscious effort not to joke about his anxieties and fears. “You may think that joking about his possessiveness may minimize the seriousness of the issue, but to him, it can seem like an invalidation of his feelings and can only further heighten the insecure husband symptoms,” says Juhi. If you treat his insecure behavior casually all the time or dismiss it like it’s a non-issue, it may cause resentment to seep into your marriage. Of course, if his insecurities run deep, making light of the issue is a big no. Make sure that at no point do you make him feel that you’re laughing AT him. Figuring out how to deal with an insecure partner can become that much more challenging if he feels slighted by you.
10. Stop the comparisons
An insecure husband might tend to compare himself to others – personally and professionally. This, in turn, may leave you frustrated over, “Why is my husband so insecure and jealous?” If you really want to help him, stop him right at the tracks when he begins needless or unfair comparisons. Make him aware when goes in that direction. When dealing with an insecure partner, make an effort to make him love himself a bit more. This is vital because lack of self-love is one of the root causes of poor self-worth. Additionally, be careful that you do not end up inadvertently comparing him to his peers or friends and hint that they are better than him.
11. Listen to his problems
Along with communicating your needs, you also need to be an empathetic listener. If he is aware of his insecurities and shares them openly with you, let him know you understand him. Do not make him feel worse by highlighting his negative emotions. At the same time, slip in how his self-perception and behavior are affecting you and the relationship while assuring him of your compassion. Something along the lines of, “You may not feel it but I really think you are wonderful and you have me by your side” can have a positive impact. So, instead of letting thoughts like “why is my husband so insecure and jealous” or “my husband is insecure and it’s taking a toll on our marriage” consume you, try to handle the situation with compassion and empathy. At the same time, understand that you’re not trained or equipped to help someone deal with their insecurities, so do not assume that responsibility.
12. Fulfill the needs of your relationship
“Why is my husband so insecure?” If you find yourself asking this question often, pay attention. A person’s insecurities can grow manifold when their needs aren’t being met. When you enter deep into a relationship, find out if you are fulfilling each other’s needs. Do you bring to the table what your husband expects you to? Are your emotional needs being met through your husband? When there is a huge gap in that regard, that’s when minor issues flare up giving rise to insecurity. In your marriage, let the focus be always on the overall goals of the relationship and your life together. Once you begin to prioritize your marriage, figuring out dealing with an insecure partner becomes a lot easier.
13. Give him time to recoup
People who are insecure go through a lot internally. They are usually full of anxiety and self-doubts. Of course, you can always help him by having open conversations and building trust in the relationship but there are times when you need to leave him alone too. As we said before, do not make his issues yours. Let him deal with those; give him time to do so instead of badgering him to talk. Sometimes, a little space might help him rethink his behavior toward you. Let him come back.
14. Leave him
This should be the last recourse. Living with an insecure husband can be extremely damaging in the long run if the problematic behavior patterns are not corrected. Of course, you should give it your best shot and try to redress it but some men are really beyond help. It can get really awful when an insecure husband starts accusing his wife, does not trust her and blames her for everything that goes wrong. You cannot spend your life appeasing his ego as it will impact your own self-worth too. So despite all your attempts, if there is no improvement, then you should seriously reconsider the whole marriage. Like Anna, you too might find that being apart is healthier than being stuck in an unhappy marriage. If it comes to that, don’t hesitate to pull the plug but make sure you’ve exhausted all your options before you go down that path. Every marriage has its own problems but insecurity can really destroy it. You can do your best to infuse your relationship with laughter, warmth and trust but to build a strong relationship, it will take two of you.
