Deepak Kashyap says: So you have the classical dilemma of prioritising your values. In order to do that successfully, you will need a couple of virtues. Let me explain. A value is anything you wish to pursue or keep; in this case, it’s your mother’s approval and your future wife’s love. A virtue is something of a tool that would help you get closer to, if not entirely achieve those values; in this case, they would be authenticity, confidence, patience and compassion for self as well for others involved in the situation.
Cousins get married all the time and it’s a rare cultural practice in many Hindu sub-cultures (sorry for assuming that you belong to or subscribe to the Hindu tradition) as well other than the more dominant religious traditions we are aware of. So I won’t go into the righteousness debate of it. The way you have to look at the situation is to examine the angle of fear that you and the people around you, including your mother, are exhibiting. A lot of parents struggle with processing challenging emotions, [restict]especially in cultures like India, which are highly honour-based. Your mom is struggling with your decision and her own understanding of life and how it should progress. She shouldn’t be judged for that, she should be given a compassionate space, where she feels comfortable to be able to voice her anger, opinions or, also be allowed to stay silent and not be a part of it. Family counselling is a good option for you guys.
Be confident
You, on the other hand, need to have confidence about the choices you are making in life and the person that you are making it with and stay authentic to those choices. Your confidence, however, should not give refuge to anger against others and arrogance that blinds you to any fact that people may or may not take their own time and journey to accept things they don’t agree with and to have the patience to help them with that journey without hurrying them along to get on to your side. Last but not the least, compassion for yourself and others who are facing the challenge of adjusting to things that they never had skills and/or vocabulary to prepare themselves for. The claim of love, in a way, is tested with the amount of time and space allowed to ourselves and our loved ones to grow and heal. All the best! Best Deepak Kashyap
