Lovestruck couples see the world through rose-tinted glasses. Besotted by their partner’s charms, they fail to notice the red flags that later stick out like a sore thumb. The bubble of love bursts rather abruptly when your partner makes you feel not good enough. Or maybe you’re still in denial. You are trying to force a relationship to stay on track because you love your partner. But you’re forgetting that compatibility trumps love. To help you understand the signs you are not compatible with someone, we have roped in relationship and intimacy coach Shivanya Yogmayaa (internationally certified in the therapeutic modalities of EFT, NLP, CBT, and REBT), who specializes in different forms of couple’s counseling.
11 Signs Your Partner Is Not Right For You
Finding the right partner is never as easy as it is portrayed in movies or pop culture. Forget about love at first sight. Even after endless conversations and meet-cutes, you can be duped into falling for the wrong person. Well, not anymore, when you have this relationship guru here who has your back. Breaking up a relationship is not always a bad option. Nor is it always fraught with pain and suffering. Of course, drifting away from a person you were attracted to is going to make you feel empty. But it can also be a positive step toward your happiness and mental peace. If your thoughts are always circling around “My partner means so much to me, but I’m unable to ignore our differences” or “I love my boyfriend, but I’m not happy anymore”, these could very well be signs your partner is not right for you. Look out for the following:
1. Difference in opinion
No, we aren’t talking about the difference in what you want to order tonight. A prevailing sense of disagreement with regard to your life goals, identity, aspirations, and political and religious beliefs can be a serious roadblock. We all know the laws of attraction – opposites attract. But that doesn’t mean you should not see eye to eye with each other at all. You need to agree on the fundamentals to be able to have a lasting relationship that bodes well for you both. Let’s say you are aspiring to make it big in your career even if it means relocating. Your partner, on the contrary, is not ready to shift their base which leaves you both in a quandary. Adjustment in marriages and relationships cannot be denied, lest they compromise your happiness. Shivanya explains, “Harmonious and lasting relationships thrive on like-mindedness. Couples should understand each other’s values and beliefs in the early stages of their relationship to see if they are aligned well. Any discord and disagreement will require either partner or both of them to adjust. But don’t over-promise or submit yourself to the point that you lose yourself in the relationship.”
2. Your partner is narcissistic
I, me, myself – this is how most of your partner’s conversations begin and end. One of the early signs a relationship won’t last is your absence in the picture. While you are obviously a strong pillar of the relationship supporting it with your whole-hearted presence, it is never acknowledged. Your partner takes the center stage wherein only their ideas, beliefs, opinions, and life are worthy of consideration. How do you know if your partner is wrong for you? One of our readers, Daniel, a 33-year-old librarian, shares with us, “When I experienced incompatibility in my last relationship, there were blame games every day. I was always the scapegoat. My opinions had no weight. When your partner makes you feel not good enough all the time, that’s when you know they’re not the one for you.” Self-centered partners can never make themselves emotionally available to you. Emotionally detached relationships have an impact on the couple’s intimacy, which in the long run can leave you scarred with emotional trauma. As Shivanya observes, “One of the most crucial signs your partner is not right for you is the narcissistic streak. Relationships with narcissistic partners hover on the brink of being toxic. Such relationships can make for only fleeting romantic liaison and not a lasting one.”
3. Codependent relationship
The pervasive feeling that something is missing from your relationship can be one of the early signs a relationship won’t last. Your partner is not the right choice for you if they are too dependent on you. Partners that are demanding – be it emotionally, financially, socially, or physically – make for a toxic relationship. Codependency in relationships can look like this. If your bae is having you turn into a Mr./Miss Fix-It, then they are a misfit. The unbalanced scale of responsibilities needs to be evened out. Picking the kids up from school. Having the furniture repaired at home. Running errands. Frequent visits for grocery shopping. All these and more shouldn’t be your onus alone. If you are the one carrying the burden of everything, it is certainly one of the signs your partner is not right for you. Shivanya explains, “Relationships are about equality. Shared responsibilities and mutual understanding lay the foundation of a harmonious relationship. Equal roles undertaken by two individuals – this is what you should aim at while looking for a partner.”
4. Addiction and substance abuse
How do you know if your partner is not the one? Addiction and substance abuse are one of the most obvious and glaring signs your partner is not right for you. Addiction to alcohol, drugs, and smoking can be a huge impediment in the relationship. Spending your entire life with an addicted partner can cripple both of you with challenges. Codependency in relationships is sometimes an outcome of addiction too. A partner battling addiction needs expert help, and can’t prioritize you or the relationship. According to a study conducted by the National Library of Medicine, about 34.6% of people cited substance abuse as a leading factor for their divorce. Infidelity, communication gaps, and even physical abuse often go hand in hand with addiction and substance abuse. There are instances where couples have surfaced above the struggles of drug addiction with the power of unconditional love and professional support. But, as Shivanya points out, “This can be a remedy only when both the partners are equally determined to fight through the hurdle and emerge victorious. Save your relationship if you find it worth fighting for. But if you are trying to force a relationship, your love boat is destined to sink.”
5. You are not happy with them
“I love my boyfriend but I’m not happy anymore!” – don’t take this to be the rambling of a bored person. This is one of the clear signs you are not compatible with someone. Boredom seeping in relationships, conversations seeing dead-ends, happiness fading away – all these are early signs a relationship won’t last. Relationships are about being happy and content in love. Sure, no one can be too hyped about love and romance 24*7. But the spark should never fizzle out. If you can’t keep the love and the child in you alive, when in their company, then it is a red flag for your relationship. Communication issues cropping up all the time are again one of the serious signs your partner is not right for you. As per a survey conducted on 886 couples, dying communication was a contributing factor toward filing for divorce, accounting for 53% of votes. Being together with your partner should be an exercise in fun and revelry. Be it going on dates, staying in and binge-watching shows, or just being silly with each other. If you don’t enjoy spending quality time together, then your partner is not the right person for you to spend your life with.
6. Lust takes over love
Couples who get together only for the sake of lust doom their relationship easily. As Shivanya points out, “People nowadays think mostly below the belt. Greed for power and money often form the crux of many relationships. Or your partner could be coming to you driven by their sexual interests. Either way, you need to be watchful of your relationship with them.” You know your partner is not right for you if the relationship finds its base in their selfish interests. If physical intimacy is the whole and sole basis of your relationship, then it is undeniably one of the early signs a relationship won’t last. The National Library of Medicine conducted a study on 189 female and 119 male university students to understand the nexus between friends-with-benefits relationship and social and psychological connectedness. It was found that 50% of the participants felt deceived by their partner and experienced loneliness and psychological distress due to a relationship guided by only sex, and no romance or attachment.
7. Trust issues
Trust, faith, honesty, and transparency are the wheels that drive every relationship. Maya, a 26-year-old software designer, shares with us, “I love my boyfriend but I’m not happy anymore. It is so difficult to open up to him about what I am going through. It really impacts our intimacy. I don’t feel completely comfortable around him because of this and have a hard time trusting him with my feelings.” How do you know if your partner is wrong for you? That uncanny feeling that your partner is hiding something from you or lying to you is at the root of trust issues. Your partner is extremely secretive with their phone lest you chance upon something. They lie to you about their outings with friends. These could be some of the worrying signs your partner is not right for you. Shivanya says, “Many modern relationships are being called off due to lack of honesty or transparency. You need to consider the level of trust and transparency in your relationship, and see if your partner is including you in their lifestyle.” Research conducted by the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences shows how crucial trust is for every social relationship. The study shows a breach of trust is extremely difficult to restore. Moreover, relationships that have no faith and trust are bound to fail.
8. You two are not good friends
Detecting the early signs a relationship won’t last can leave you perplexed. How do you know if your partner is not the one? You can anticipate the failure of a relationship when there is no camaraderie between you two. Shivanya points this out as the basic ingredient for a lasting relationship, “I have noticed that the lasting relationships have not survived because they had lesser conflicts. They lasted because the couples had a friendship in place, making them like a team against all odds. If you see a friend in each other, then your relationship might have better longevity.” Relationships have more to them than just looking at each other with lovestruck eyes (think of heart-eyes emoji). If you don’t eventually find a friend in your partner with whom you can have fun like a madcap as well as a confidant to confide in, then this is one of the subtle signs your partner is not right for you. As a research paper in the Journal of Happiness Studies points out, relationships are happier and more satisfactory when the partners are best friends. To quote from the study, “…well-being effects of marriage are about twice as large for those whose spouse is also their best friend.”
9. Your partner is not respectful toward you
If your partner has no respect for you, then there can be no question of being in a relationship with them. Respect and appreciation are two pivots of a relationship. The lack of these becomes a breeding ground for problems. When your partner makes you feel not good enough or disrespects you, you know it is time to walk out on them. When was the last time your partner asked you to weigh in on important decisions? Or valued your efforts and showed gratitude? Hardly ever? Then this is certainly one of the signs your partner is not right for you. Disregarding your efforts, not validating your opinions, and negative or derogatory remarks about you – are some of the red flags in a relationship. Shivanya opines, “If your partner does not respect you and takes you for granted, these are the early signs a relationship won’t last. With respect thrown out of the window, there is no compatibility between the partners.”
10. Your partner is a control freak
If you notice any signs that your partner is a control freak, then it is a decision gone wrong. Controlling and restrictive ways are pitfalls in relationships. An overbearing partner is not only detrimental to your growth as an individual but is also conducive to a stagnant relationship. Having their say in everything about you, controlling your decisions, and not giving you personal space to breathe in, are the few things to guard against. Do they enforce their opinion on your choice of clothes? Do you need to seek their permission before heading out with friends? Are they distancing your family from you? Personality traits as controlling as these signal toxic relationships that can stifle you and strip you of your freedom. Shivanya marks out other similar personality traits as contributing factors toward an unstable relationship, “Jealousy, possessiveness, and an over-dominating and controlling behavior can smother your relationship.”
11. They don’t support you
An ideal partner would be someone who adds value to the relationship, bringing out the best in you. The last thing you would want your partner to do is to doubt you and bring your morale down. Discouraging words can do more harm than one can ever imagine. If your partner does not believe in you and your dreams, then they are not worth keeping. Encouraging each other to be the best version of themselves is what a supportive relationship is about. Support in a relationship is a basic fundamental, be it emotional, social, financial, or spiritual. It is synonymous with growth. Shivanya adds, “Relationships should not be dutiful. If your partner is only concerned with fulfilling their responsibilities and duties, it will make your relationship boring and routined. They will behave in a certain way because they are obliged to do so.” When your partner makes you feel not good enough and constantly pulls you down, they are not for keeps. With this, we come to the end of our discussion on signs your partner is not right for you. We are sure this information doled out by our expert will have your back when you set out on your journey in search of a partner. Keep your eyes open to pick up these signs, listen to your heart (and that gut feeling), and take the plunge. There is love and abundance for you in store!
